My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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