I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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