the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
