Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
