God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
