Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
