they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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