I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just pee around me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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