george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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