i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Two words: blizzard sex
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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