apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
