im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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