Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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