he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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