I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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