I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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