Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
