I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
