I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
