Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I AM VODKA MAN
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
