i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
