You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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