still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm always down for nudity.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
