i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
