Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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