So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
