Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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