I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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