there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Panties = found
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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