I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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