Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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