Fuck appropriateness.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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