I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
