it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
