I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
