Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
