I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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