Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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