More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You took a bar mat shot.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
