you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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