Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
