I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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