I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
