i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
