dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
