Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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