did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
