The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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