I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
