I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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