Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Barsexuality is the new black.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
