and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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