friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
