Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
